Due to the proliferation of blogs and articles trying to tell us how to beat the recession and my own lower middle class yobbo background, which I feel is perfect for enabling me to spout without alienating the moderately rich without patronising the poor I have decided to give my top 10 recession tips. PS these are both schemes to help and time wasting exercises, untill we strike it lucky again.

1. Buy Newcastle United, any share guru will say buy low and sell high, even with the messiah at the helm this club's value diminishes by the week. For those of us looking to make money out of misery I suggest you buy Newcastle for bugger all and buy Blaise Matuidi, for those with a glint in their eye and a geordie ex, I suggest appointing Ross Kemp as manager and Perry Fenwick as director of football while playing 'That old piano' before games.

2. Become a researcher for a political party, as the recent rapid rise of Georgia Gould has shown one doesn't even need experience to join the parliamentary gravy train. I'm sure Georgia is passionate aout the issues that trouble Labour members and a lovely woman, but is it worth fighting this seat this hard at 22? Georgia I'm sure you'll make a great MP although I think your old man's definition of labour is as ludicrous as a frog arguing for a hosepipe ban. I would gladly debate the future of Labour with you, but i think better men than I should hone your skills before you represent people who may well be your ideologoical enemies.

3. Be Tony Blair, take money from Jewish think tanks corporate bastards, and generally do what even thatcher was shameless enough not to do. now, I know all of you are decent human beings, instead of bailing out the banks let's give Tyson $1Biliion to fight blair and hunt him down.

next three tomorrow