The Seven Ages Of Advertising

Men

1. Be one of those special moments that can only be caught on an HD ready camera, after which one is fed sieved HydrochienMange, all one needs to grow up to be Minister for Ships. Finally take a massive shit, and demand implausibly soft toilet paper and/or demand an air freshner that smells of 'summer breezes'.

2. Become the most precocious little shite in school by discovering that modern philosopher's stone the Shredded Wheat/Cornflake/Shreddie, after dissecting JS Mill's 'On Liberty' due to eating a 'whole grain' decide to roll around in mud in a plain white T-shirt. Finally run around like a border line nut case after a car with flashing lights that flips over, before outwitting your parents in an especially 'amusing' way.

3. Wake up with spots, imagining them to be a particularly virulent strain of small pox which can only be cured by gaining a centre parting and vigorous rubbing with pseudo-medically named gloop. Whinge at your mum about your football socks being dirty, then have your first orgasm over the fact that by the miracles of a particular soap they are clean. Towards the end of this troubled time you may find an urge to start a band with a group of strangers in tribute to a mobile phone tarriff. Chew gum rolling down a hill throughout.

4. Develop a hairstyle that magically morphs into the one that makes you look like the biggest cock at any one particular time, pick up failed underwear models using only your thousand yard stare and a can of Lynx. Play sunday league football with repressed homosexuals before hitting the pub and only drinking beverages of a primary colour, if not a big drinker drink diet drinks while eating doritos and dominos pizza.

5. Get a car, a silver car, a sleek car oooh what a car, drive across unspoilt uninhabited roads while talking away from a camera like Richard Hammond with a stroke. Drink unpalettable Spanish Lager (it's still primary coloured!) if good looking and succesful. Get a nag of a girlfriend who won't let you pursue an inane activity such as hug your tyres or sleep with a prostitute made of tyres. If you are a failure as a human being marry an older woman and buy BT internet. If you can't even manage that, become a teacher.

6. Serve as the comic foil for your oh so multi-tasking wife while not so much as shifting your arse off the sofa to think about mortgages, before she runs off with a younger drinker of Spanish Lager, impress her and treat her to a ready made box of tacos. Finally develop a cockney accent, bet on football, talk about vans and spray a fence a revolting shade of brown.

7. Now it's too late to make ay serious money, insure your life! That or cash in on the mortgage you never paid off. Develop an irrational hatred of lawns that aren't radioactive green in colour. Feed slightly cheap toffee to unsuspecting grandchildren before going on a cruise, marrying Judith Chalmers and dying.

Women to follow...